It’s early and I shouldn’t be up, but I’m wrestling with some things and, well…I’m awake, lol. Everything is dark except for the glow from my netbook. It’s peaceful, and a little eerie.
I was checking on this blog and found that I had several comments marked as spam. I spend a decent amount of time trying to keep things spam free here, but it’s not always easy. The muck seems to make its way through.
I know a little bit about muck. Like, standing at the proverbial crossroads between the comfort of trusting my “knowledge” or the will of God. It’s not a great spot to be in! I’m confident that I’m not the only one who’s been in this position, though. The scariness of the unknown, of not hearing our Father clearly, is enough to make most of us cleave to good ol’ free will much tighter.
It’s an epic fail waiting to happen, but we just chug along, dragging Him along for the ride He never intended for us.
My Biblical Studies degree is stalled. I found out that the institution I was committing to is not very legitimate. There’s some great universities in my state, overall, but as an adult learner with adult obligations, I cannot assume a traditional (or, in my case, semi-traditional thanks to online learning) undergraduate experience at this time. It’s upsetting, but the frustration is kicked into an even higher gear when I consider the amount of work the Devil is doing to keep me from God’s goal.
I’m annoyed and anxious.
I’m confused, unwilling to increase my academic debt and feeling trapped.
I can hear the Holy Spirit speaking through all of this…muck…nonetheless. Have faith, my child. Hold on through the darkness for My light. It’s sustaining me, but I’m still scared. But then I remember the message about faith:
“…Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” – Hebrews 11:1
I can’t see. I absolutely cannot see at this time. Discernment is questionable, defiance is high. I chose not to move until I could see. But, by the grace of God, it’s not about me. (Oh, gentle, sleep-depriving reminder, have mercy on my soul, lol!) It’s about weeping possibly enduring for a night, but the promise that joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)
I trust that I will see morning breaking through the night…